V: The Manlee letters.

Some weeks ago I received an odd e-mail. I responded, being a friendly sort of guy, and what followed was a series of communications so weird I feel bound to share them with the good readers of Prodigy. Here they are, in chronological order.

From: Jesus@heaven.biz
To: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 14:52:26 EAST
Subject: Your Soul

Dear Mr Manlee,
I have spent many a meditative hour contemplating how I can save your soul. I note with alarm your latest effort in Prodigy once again takes the Lord’s name in vain, constantly uses profanity, and implies women are only receptacles for the seeds of men (I am pretty sure you mentioned that). Look, I am a hip and with it guy. It is widely known I am groovy and cool and stuff like that. Check my long hair out… dude! But really, I cannot let you get away with behaviour that… well it just cheeses me off! So, stop it, or I will unleash a bolt of lightning and smite the ungodly (that’s you I am afraid…).
Ciao dude! (See, I’m hip with the cool lingo.)
Jesus


From: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
To: Jesus@heaven.biz
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 15:02:06 EAST
Subject: Re: Your Soul

Jesus, cock!
So glad to hear from you. Being an atheist I sort of assumed you didn’t exist! Anyway, now I know you do, and that you don’t mind a bit of smiting, can you do me a favour? There’s this total bastard I wouldn’t mind seeing with a plague of locusts up his arse. Can you do that? If you say yes I promise to give serious thought to never using the word fuck in print again.
Mik
PS I really appreciate constructive criticism of my writing from a fellow professional. I think your Bible is a really good read...


From: Jesus@heaven.biz
To: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 2002 12:34:00 EAST
Subject: Re: Re: Your Soul

Dear Mik (can I call you Mik?),
I must admit that my wrath is very Old Testament right at the moment. I DO NOT put a plague of locusts up anybody’s rectum upon request, with the exception of the Holy Father’s command of course. I fear you have missed my point entirely. I beseech you to think carefully on your actions, for the sake of your immortal soul.
Give me five, hip dude!
Jesus
PS Thanks for your comments re the Bible. It was hard work, particularly Revelation – all that doom and gloom.


From: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
To: Jesus@heaven.biz
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2002 17:45:15 EAST
Subject: Re: Re:

Mate,
You seem a little tense – not at all a relaxed Jesus-dude. Can you get the Arch-Angel Gabriel to give you a neck rub? I know. Do you have access to any dead babes? I reckon a night out, and subsequent festivities, with some curvaceous minx would do you the world of good. Personally I’ve always had this Marilyn Monroe thing…
Mik
PS Do you grant wishes, or is that just genies? If you do, I’d like a billion dollars and a bigger dick thanks.


From: Jesus@heaven.biz
To: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2002 23:20:00 EAST
Subject: Sadly, Your Soul

Dear Mik,
I was hoping that I would be able to persuade you to repent. It now appears hopeless. Amongst other sins, you are preoccupied with sex, which in the Heavenly opinion, is for the reproduction of mankind. This is you last chance. Really.
Chill, cobber!
Jesus
PS I have also been reliably informed that penis size is irrelevant for successful procreation. But if you really interested, a colleague passed this communication on to me:

*****************************************
From: EnlargeNowNew2002@hotmail.com
Date: 1 April 2002 11:19:39 +1000 (EST)
To: Lucifer@thepitsofhell.com
Subject: Enlarge!
Enlarge your penis up to 4 inches in only 15 minutes a day! No expensive pills - no weird gadgets! Just safe, fast and effective all-natural exercises that really work!
http://pns.recreation-deals.com/?refid=OlqxLsRvcO/W0dRlmU0RnxTQoSmL8VBKs0Qa6Vtq4cY=
Guaranteed results!
*****************************************


From: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
To: Jesus@heaven.biz
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2002 09:35:24 EAST
Subject: Re: Sadly, Your Soul

Jesus,
You really seem to have a stick up your arse.
Mik
PS Don’t bother with the penis enlargement course – it involves baby oil and a double-jointed volunteer.


From: Jesus@heaven.biz
To: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2002 09:40:10 EAST
Subject: Imminent Lightning Strike

Dear Mr Manlee,
My patience is finite. So, it is with some regret that I must inform you that your demise by lightning strike is imminent.
Hang loose, dude!
Jesus


From: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
To: Jesus@heaven.biz
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2002 12:01:50 EAST
Subject: Yo, Wanker!

Jesus,
Where’s that Christian charity you’re so famous for? But, you can resurrect your reputation on that front… I know you have this feeding the masses thing – bread and fish wasn’t it? Can you do pizza and beer? My place tonight, about 8 would be great…
Mik


From: God@heaven.biz
To: BigMikManlee@hotmail.com
Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2002 00:00:00 EAST
Subject: Lightning Strike Cancelled

Dear Mr Manlee,
Just to inform you that Jesus has taken a leave of absence. He has been under pressure on the home front of late and consequently some of his actions have been somewhat ill-considered.
God
PS By the way, I wrote Revelation. All Jesus did was suggest that 666 was a good number for the Beast!


Just so you know… I don’t know if these were real supreme beings communicating with me or some random loonies. Whatever. I’m still here. More’s the pity some might say. But, they would be bozos without a sense of humour, wouldn’t they?