“Human behaviour -- Shit, what a minefield! (WARNING: SERIOUS SUBJECTS ON OFFER HERE) Let me tell you a secret. I have no Earthly idea of what I am doing at the moment. I’m talking big picture stuff here. My present predicament. The future! Plans for… I have indulged in some life crunching behaviours of late and I am fucked if I know why, or what is driving my life in this way. That’s not to say I’m a bad man, or that I am necessarily doing the wrong thing. But Jesus, a little coherence would be bloody fabulous. We have all sat down in that figurative beanbag and pondered on life, and not just those of you prone to smoking the evil weed either. Okay, so I have been in one of those conversations where the idea of being part of a universe swirling around on a giant’s fingernail is discussed ad infinitum. But even those dope crazed inanities were part of a wider questioning. Who in the Hell out there has any idea of what goes on the minds and hearts of humans? Most of us haven’t a clue. Let me give you some examples of the forces massing about me at the moment, and maybe you can tell me what they mean. FATE Many years ago I was traveling in North America. I met a convivial companion in Canada. We spent a week or so in backpacker hostels and went our separate ways. Six months later I was getting off a bus in St Louis, Missouri and I turned my head to the front of the bus and there was this same guy getting on. Now, I don’t know about you, but that is the sort of fate thing that really freaks me out. That meeting was just meant to be. Every one of you will have some story just like that. Fate: ‘the development of events without a person’s control’. Couldn’t have said it better myself. So, if things just seem to happen, what do you do? Go with the flow? Resist? Give me an answer, please! REGRET Many of my memories involve women. Funny that. Anyway, when I was a spotty teenager this girl had crush on me. Her friends told me, but it was even obvious to dickhead like me. So, I hatched a plan. I arranged to meet her behind the shelter shed late one night. We groped in a minor way, had a bit of a giggle and went home. The next day I told all my friends every single thing she said and did and within a morning she was a great source of amusement for everyone. Why would I do something like that? I wish I hadn’t. That is a regret. The question, though, is would I do something like that again? Would I mess with someone’s life like it was an atom on a giant’s fingernail? LOVE Keats and Shakespeare, to name two dead people amongst thousands of others, have had a crack at defining this and now you are wondering why someone like me would even try. To start, I mean love between you and another human. Not your dog. Not your car. (Though I personally have a bit of a thing for my car, but that’s another story.) Is there someone who makes you feel special, who makes you feel good by just being nearby, who cares for you through all you shitty moods, who lights up your life with a smile (sorry about the cliché crapola there)? Can you forget about that person for any time at all, or is some part of them always still there with you? Is that love? I think it might be, and there is nothing scarier. Except maybe someone scratching your car with a 20-cent piece! Three biggies, I am sure you will agree. Do you know what these things mean then? Do you know what I should do? Of course not. In some way or another you have the same goddamn problems as me! Human behaviour is a minefield where none of us want to put a foot wrong for fear of having our emotions blown up. Now you can see why I issued the warning at the start of this article. If you were hoping for a light hearted and comic analysis of the human condition you have been led completely astray by any previous piece you may have read by one Mik Manlee. But that is, I am afraid, the point. Human beings are such an unpredictable entity that you no sooner form an opinion based on previous data, i.e. behaviour, than that bastard goes and does something completely different. And there just isn’t any answer. We are humans, and this is life. Live it, love it, or fuck off.