“Television -- Visual Valium, insert as a suppository” Oh no! It’s the attack of the flying cow! A few weeks ago I sat at home watching some moderately appalling movie whose sole high point as far as I could see was when the airborne bovine circled around mooing—as if you could hear a cow mooing in the middle of a “twister” anyway. But I cracked a smile, which is more than I can say for just about the whole of the evening’s televisual feasting prior to that. I mean, really, how many operations on dogs can film before it gets extremely tedious? My God, what’s the point of all this garbage? Would I be cynical in assuming that the point was to make a shitload of money for the stockholders of the television companies? Not cynical at all. Of course that’s the point. We have programming that attracts advertisers that buy shows that cost less than the advertisers pay. Profit. Don’t you love it. Of course, the real problem with television is not that it warps young minds and promotes inappropriate preteen behaviour, or that it incites young boys to rip the arms of Ken dolls and jam them up Barbie’s arse, though it might do all those things. The real problem is that it is so goddamn boring. It’s nothing more than visual Valium. Occasionally things pop up on the screen that are original. Can’t think of anything right now, but there have been some. I’m sure. Mostly, though, it’s the same old same old… Like lifestyle programs. Jesus. That Don Burke has a lot to answer for. If he’d just kept his opinions to himself all those years ago television would be partially bullshit free at least. Now there is probably a half dozen variations on the theme. Hands up everyone who thinks he’s a wanker anyway. Thought so. Patronising bastard. And don’t get me started on those reality programs. (I am determined not to mention Big Brother. Oh shit! I just did.) The only one I have ever really warmed to was that one set on an island in the Bahamas where sad sack British tourists attempted to liven up their dreary lives by taking off all their clothes and being extremely embarrassing. The Americans that visited the resort did exactly the same thing I might add, except they didn’t seem so hung up about it in the first place. I think one of the things I liked the most about the show (Paradise Island, maybe?) was how good it made me feel about my own sad sack physique. If those bozos could parade about in leatherette Brazilian thongs then I could be seen at the beach in multi-hued board shorts. By God! I have a confession to make now. What I really wanted to have a go at here was Home and Away. It’s just such a pile of goddamn shit! I can’t get over it. Here’s some sample dialogue I plucked from a recent episode: CRAIG: You know Raelene [casts vicious glance at Raelene, then moody Elvis-like glance at Becky-Sue], men might be interested in you if you weren't such a bitch. BECKY-SUE: He's right you know. You are a bitch Raelene. [looks down at the floor] RAELENE: Shut ya' face, or I'll tell everyone what Craig's best friend Buck, the American exchange life guard, did for you in return for lessons in English. You complete and utter mole! [BECKY-SUE opens her mouth to reply, but before she can speak:] CRAIG: Girls, girls, girls. What's all this animosity? I though we were all one big happy family here in Borough Bay. RAELENE: God, you're a dildo Craig! Last week we were friends, this week the story line is hostility! Sometimes I think that you have no idea about reality. You act like you are in a play, or a soap opera. BECKY-SUE: You havin' a coffee Raelene. RAELENE: Yeah. [Silence. All three gaze out at the audience.] Okay, okay. I made that up. It’s actually from a play I wrote some time ago—titled “Tales from the Borough Bay Diner” (still awaiting its premiere). But the point is valid. The dialogue is not too far from the actual—it is truly that dull. And it is a primo example of all that is pathetic about television at the moment. I tell you what though. Home and Away could be greatly improved by including some flying cows in the stories. And a twister! It could wipe the whole fucking useless lot of them off the face of the Earth.