“Religion -- Bloody Hell, it’s the Opiate of the Masses!”

Let me ask you a question. What’s the funniest thing that has happened to you in a church? Well, I once vomited into that bit along the back of the pew where the prayer books go. I was only twelve, and was actually not well at all, so I figure it was okay to puke on the Word of God. It was in a Catholic Church and you know what they’re like—lots of guilt and no rubber allowed. A few years after that I became an ex-Catholic. To be fair that might have had something to do with a girl and some alleged virginity issue and not Technicolour Yawning while some guy in purple robes did his thing. Who cares, it’s a great little story…

But, before you start thinking I have a problem with the Catholic Church let me set you straight—there’s at least one Catholic that I am rather keen on. I’m joking. In 1992 I also liked a Catholic, but only because that one had a BMW. That’s a joke too.

This is the Truth. I do have a problem with religions that direct and mold their plasticine believers into a collective consciousness. Bloody Hell! Karl Marx was right all along. Religion is the goddamn Opiate of the Masses. The sole aim of organised religion is to keep the masses in line! (Sorry Karl, but that Communist Manifesto thing hasn’t got any legs.)

It’s not all Bad Karma though. I must admit to having a bit of a soft spot for those dipshit Born Again types who smile all the time and Praise the Lord at the drop of a [insert something funny here]. It must be quite Nice to cruise along completely disconnected from reality thinking that the world is a Nice place filled with either Nice people or people who aren’t Nice yet but soon will be once you’ve converted them. And I am a bit partial to their idea of Adult Baptism. Though the concept would be greatly improved if ceremonies were conducted Buck-Naked. There would be an age limit, say under 25, and I would only do women in my church…

Hey! You’ll love this. L. Ron Hubbard’s first name was Lafayette! I don’t know about you, but I am not getting involved with any quasi-religion invented by some guy called Lafayette. Still, I might have considered joining the Scientologists if Tom Cruise wasn’t in it—he’s just too short for my taste in leading men, and I think Nicole said on Letterman that he had a little dick. Anyway, despite what I have said in the past I think it is kind of groovy to believe that the first humans came to Earth 75 million years ago, sent into exile by the evil Galactic Federation ruler Xenu (not certain of any relationship to Xena). I mean it’s no sillier than the Mormons believing that some guy called Joe Smith Jnr found a lost Book of the Bible in suburban Salt Lake City (or somewhere), which luckily for the men folk mentioned being allowed to have multiple wives. And what in the Hell is a ‘Latter Day Saint’?

You may have noticed that I have pretty well kept clear of any religion that will either do me bodily harm, or lives in the Middle East, or might sue me for defamation. The Scientologists are rather litigious apparently, but I have done nothing more than cast aspersions on the size of the Cruise schlong. I can’t see the Mormons declaring a fatwah. Wait. I just remembered this. Do you know what a tithe is? It’s where you pay a tenth of your earnings or whatever to support the Church. The Mormons like that idea. I don’t.

Where was I? Okay. Sure, I have stuck it to the Catholics, but they clearly deserve it! Karl was really talking about the Catholics when he crapped on about the Opiate of the Masses, or was it the Russian Orthodox Church? Fucked if I know—I’m rather confused now. It doesn’t matter. There’s a valid point here somewhere. This. We all like to have a little meaning in our lives. If something Spiritual fills your void, well and good. But what happens if the need for meaning is exploited for fun or profit? Or to keep the serfs subservient?

Is all that too serious for you? How’s this then? I lied about that vomit in the pew story. I was really twenty, and not sick but completely shitfaced. I recall illegal substances being involved, and I recall having chased the worm around a bottle of tequila for hours on end the night before. It was at my best friend’s wedding and I filled that little prayer book holder to the brim! Sacrilege you say. Jesus H Christ! Haven’t you got a sense of humour?