Military Jokes

Military Jokes

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS

#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."

#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"

#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"

Military Wisdom

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

4. The easy way is always mined.

5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
When you're ready for them.
When you're not ready for them.

8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

15. When in doubt empty the magazine.

16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.

24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

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Last Updated : 12/08/2002